These days - little things

The warmth of the office chair in front of the computers in the library, after you've been waiting to get a seat and just passed by the person, who warmed the seat until a second ago. That feeling of sitting down onto this chair and suddenly perceiving its warmth is eerie in a way - the comfort of a warmed chair is made somewhat uncomfortable by ... by what? An unnecessary 21st century obsession with hygiene?

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The overt affection and enthusiasm with which a beautiful redhaired girl approached me yesterday, so eager to talk to me, but I just couldn't remember where and how I met her, nor what her name was. We exchanged a few words and I reciprocated her affection, then she smiled and left. I lowered my head, as if about to reveal a secret and looked up at Mitch, who I had been talking to before she came up to me: "Who IS that girl?" I asked him. "Well, you better find out", he said.

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The smell of winter. It started about a week and a half ago, on Monday 14th November. Suddenly, that morning, a crisp iciness lay over our little town, the grass outside my window had gone white, occasional green blades of grass still stuck out, but most of it was frozen. I imagined stepping on it and hearing the individual blades break with a quiet, sharp noise, like an icicle hitting the ground after falling off a roof. I took a hot shower, then drew the curtain back and opened the window above me - the icy air, much lighter than the hot steamy air inside, fell down from the window onto my body, still wet and steaming. It felt good. About half an hour later, when I stepped out of the door and saw the northward-facing sides of all the little gravel stones in our 'front garden' covered in frozen dew, I could really smell it: winter had knocked on the door. It smells of snow, even though it might still be miles and possibly months away. I buttoned up my fur coat and stepped into the bright and crisp-clear day.

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the face of a friend in the morning, when they've only just awoken or not had enough sleep. Can everybody recognize that, or only if you know the person well? Some people loose that look within minutes after they get up, others have it for hours. It always makes me want to go back to sleep myself.

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The obscurity of my inner workings - although I've been and dealt with them for over 20 years, most of them are still a total mystery to me. On that same day, Monday the 14th December, my girlfriend broke up with me. It had been an undertone of our conversations for a while and when we arranged to go to have a burger in the Central, I knew that was when it was going to happen. She'd said she wanted to talk to me, so I waited for her to say it, although I might just as well have been the one to say it. It was imminent. But she couldn't say it. So I waited, just looking at her, for what seemed like half an hour. My mind started wandering. I started to think what I was going to do with all the time we would otherwise spend together. I had really enjoyed being with her, but I didn't get that feeling, that it was meant to last, that we were made for each other and I started thinking that there wasn't any point to continue with that as a basis. When she finally got round to it - "maybe we should break up" - I was all but surprised and gave her an agreeing hug across the table. There we were, interlocked over a dark wooden table in a pub with red patterned wall paper, the table pressing against our stomachs unable to break up our hug - and somehow my mind just wandered off and I thought of that Halloween party the week before where I had appeared in a catsuit, cat mask, black lipstick and electro-shock-hair... I started wandering whether anyone had taken any photos of me in my sexy costume that night and how I could get hold of them... But then like a flash my conscience clicked in and started shouting abuse at me: "Your girlfriend has just broken up with you and all you can think of is how to get photos of you in a catsuit!! You vain looser! Pull yourself together!"
But what did all the shouting help? Fact was I was so little involved that my mind could just wander off like that - what does that mean? What implications does that bring with it? I knew that in the long term I would smile at our "Central-breakup" anyway (especially considering that we went for a celebratory drink afterwards, because we were both strangely relieved), so why should I be all down and distraught then and there?

Is this too personal for a blog?